


Continue Battling

by sugarblossom



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Papa Kukui, Probably ooc, well fluffish, you know the drill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:20:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24454321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarblossom/pseuds/sugarblossom
Summary: Ash couldn't possibly miss out on a beautiful night by sleeping, could he?
Relationships: Kukui-hakase | Professor Kukui & Satoshi | Ash Ketchum
Comments: 20
Kudos: 86
Collections: Ash Ketchem Best Works





	Continue Battling

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Mentions of suicide

“So how is he doing?” Burnet asked, putting down her pen and glancing at the screen. Dials and graphs continued to whir around her.

Kukui propped his head up on the table with a smile. “You know him, always cheerful, always love sleeping. He’s actually sleeping more than usual, and that’s saying something!” He chuckled before glancing up towards the loft, conflicted.

Burnet sighed in relief, holding her phone closer to her face. “Alright. Call me if you two need anything, alright?” Kukui winked, nodding. Burnet rolled her eyes, blowing a kiss through the video chat before ending the call. 

Setting his phone down on the coffee table, Kukui sighed, trying to focus on his paperwork. Maybe he should move back to his actual desk down in the basement instead of staying-

Creak!

Kukui jumped, staring at Ash as he descended the ladder. 

Ash froze.

...Ash’s pokemon were snoozing. Why wasn’t _he_?

“Oh hey!” Ash casually said, furrowing his eyebrows and hopping over as if it was the middle of the day. “Why aren’t you asleep yet? It’s pretty late, isn’t it?”

Tilting his head, Kukui patted the seat next to him. “I should be asking you that, Ash. Is there something keeping you up?” Ash was strangely silent. Kukui furrowed an eyebrow. “...Oh, is this because of Nihilego? It’s ok if you-”

Ash held his hands out, grin wide. “Oh, no, no it’s not. I just need some time outside, that’s all!”

Kukui blinked, staring at the time on his phone. “ _This_ late? Is this why you haven’t been doing well in class these days-”

“No no, you’ve got it wrong, I’m used to it!” Kukui stared at Ash. Ash glanced off, rubbing his arm. “So, uh, yeah. See you later!” 

“I’m going with you.” 

Ash tilted his head, eyes wide. “Ah. Yeah sure.” He silently opened the front door, grinning. “That’s up to you, I guess!”

Kukui took one look down at his paperwork before scrambling to follow Ash out the door. 

They walked down the road. They walked down the stairs. They walked across the beach.

Still total silence.

Glancing upwards, Kukui’s eyes reflected the stars above them. He sighed. Ash tilted his head, eyes gleaming as he stared over the ocean. 

“It’s a beautiful night, hm? I’m glad I’m around to see it.” Kukui stared at Ash. Ash held his arms out as he twirled around, leaving a circular trail in the sand. “What dancing TV show do pokemon love?”

Kukui blinked. “What?”

Ash grinned. “Dancing with the Staryus!” The stars glimmered in his eyes like bioluminescent algae.

“Oh!” Chuckling, Kukui asked, “Here’s one for ya! Which sci-fi movie do pokemon like to watch?” 

Ash was already giggling. “Which one?”

“Staryu Wars!” 

Ash burst out laughing. Kukui relaxed, placing his hands in his lab pocket. 

Trying to stifle his laughter, Ash said while gesturing to the sky, “Ok ok, here’s one inspired by that Pikachu constellation! What do you call a Pikachu that can hack computers?” Before Kukui could even respond, Ash blurted, “Geek-achu!” Kukui stifled a snort, and Ash laughed at his joke, nearly choking with how hard he was laughing.

“Oh, how can a Pikachu make a baby laugh? By playing _pika_ -boo!”

Ash’s loud laughter would have woke some people up if the two of them weren’t so far down on the beach. 

“How about this one! I don’t want to exist.” Kukui stopped walking, eyes wide. Ash snickered, innocently stepping around Kukui. “Got you! Hehe, isn’t that silly? Hm?”

Kukui awkwardly chuckled, watching Ash plop down onto the sand. “Are you alright, Ash?”

“Do I look alright?” Ash asked back, not looking at him. 

Sitting next to Ash, Kukui said, “I mean… yeah?”

“Ok good.” They stared over the ocean for a few moments.

“You’re not alright-”

“Why’d you ask then?” Ash cut in. Kukui stayed silent. “...I’m so sorry.” Kukui winced when Ash guiltily stared down, tracing random shapes in the sand.

“Wait it’s fine-”

“You can go if you want.” Kukui raised an eyebrow, but Ash shook his head. “You’re probably busy with work. That’s why you’re still up, right?”

Kukui glanced towards his house before at Ash. “Only when I make sure you’re alright.” He leaned forward, trying to meet Ash’s eyes. “What’s going on with you recently?” Ash flinched. “Sorry, bad wording?”

“No no, it’s fine.” Ash glanced off.

“Well, tell me if this is hurting you more than helping you, ok?” Kukui stared up at the stars. “You seem to be struggling in school, and I’m a little concerned you haven’t been yourself lately as well.”

“Myself, huh?”

Kukui raised an eyebrow. Ash fell silent. “If you want to talk about it, you can. Are you feeling up to it? You’re always welcome to talk to me, of course, no judgment!”

“You’re super kind to your students, I get that.” Ash grinned at Kukui. “Thank you. I’ll try to do better in class.” He leaned back on his hands, fully expecting Kukui to leave. 

“Wait, I…” Kukui scooted a little closer to Ash. “I don’t just care about you because you’re my student!”

Ash blinked. “What other reason could there be? It’s not like I’ve done anything to deserve it.” Kukui stared at Ash with a jaw-drop. Ash brushed the sand off his palms. “Or maybe you’re just that nice. That seems most likely.”

“...What.”

Ash grinned. “Humble too? No wonder my classmates like you as their teacher so much.” 

“Thank… you???” Ash politely smiled before tucking his knees in. “So uh, is there a reason you haven’t been doing well in class lately?” Kukui asked, tilting his head when Ash blinked. “Yeah, if you want to change the subject, you should tell me.”

“...No one has bothered to change it back.”

Kukui shrugged. “I’m not a teacher for nothing.”

Humming in affirmation, Ash mused, “I wonder what it’s like. Do you feel sad when your students leave? Do you feel sad when their lives go on without you?”

“...Yeah, in a way.” Ash froze. “But not exactly sadness. Mostly worry and longing.” Kukui randomly gestured. “Then again, teachers are usually so stressed and tired from the school year that they’re relieved for the break.” Ash glanced off, wringing the edge of his shirt. “Sure, we’ll miss some of the students, but we know you’ll all leave eventually.” Kukui’s eyes twinkled. “Go on and be your own person, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that,” Ash said with a grin and nod. “My friends are the same.” They both fell silent for a few moments.

“So about my question-”

“I already answered it, I know what you’re saying.”

Kukui sweatdropped. “You really don’t want to tell me what’s going on, huh?” Ash traced a small circle in the sand, not answering. 

“You’re not responsible for it. It’s not like you’ve done-”

“I’m making it my responsibility.” Kukui placed a hand on Ash’s shoulder, inching away when Ash flinched. “You haven’t been as focused and concentrated in class lately.” Ash’s shoulders tensed up. Kukui raised an eyebrow.

“Because I’m dumb.” Ash chuckled, yawning.

“No, Ash, I know from experience that’s not true.” Irritation flashed across Ash’s face. “Besides, you’ve only been spacing out in class these few days. Is there anything I could do-”

“It comes in waves.” Kukui tilted his head when Ash’s smile wavered for a moment. “Like aura! You know, how it feels when you use…” Ash glanced up at the stars. “I wonder how he’s doing…?”

Kukui narrowed his eyes. “You can use aura?”

“I try to avoid it,” Ash answered before toning his volume down. “Life is so precious...!” Kukui blankly stared at Ash. Ash peeked over, freezing. “Oh, I’m sorry, am I being too loud?”

“No, you’re good,” Kukui muttered. Ash’s eyes flitted back and forth.

“Ok.”

“...So who’s this ‘he’ you just talked about?”

Ash flicked at the hem of his pants. “Uh…” He intensely stared down at the sand, squinting his eyes. “You don’t know him.”

Kukui chuckled, leaning back. “You do know a lot of people I don’t, I admit that.”

“And pokemon,” Ash blurted. “...Because I’ve traveled through other regions, of course. There is _definitely_ not any other reason why, Nuh-uh.”

“...So is this ‘he’ a pokemon?”

Ash blinked. “Oh, well, yes- Uh…” He hugged his legs, running a hand through the sand. “Yeah.” Kukui furrowed his eyebrows. “A Lucario.”

“Oh, do you have a Lucario like m-”

“Lucario wasn’t my pokemon.”

“So not your pokemon- Wait, but you said was, so do you have a Luc-”

“No.” Ash sported a small smile. 

Heart pounding, Kukui fidgeted with his hair. Where had he seen that smile before? Ash’s smile trembled under his stare.

Kukui froze. Mallow during Mother’s Day and Lillie during Father’s Day. 

Ash had encountered death before? What happened? When? Where? Why? How?

What?

As if sensing his discomfort, Ash grinned. “I’m sure he’s at peace now!”

“...He’s…?”

“Yeah.”

“...Do you want to talk about it?”

Ash stiffened. After a moment of silence, he leaned forward. “He didn’t trust me at first. I won’t go into why.” Kukui nodded. “We gave our aura to… another pokemon. To heal them. And he pushed me away.”

Kukui’s eyes widened. 

“We really could have both made it.” Ash took a sharp breath. “What if I held on a little longer? What if things were different?”

“Just because it could be different doesn’t mean it would be better!” Ash stayed silent. “You can’t change the past-”

“I know,” Ash bit out. “...Sorry.”

“Wait it’s alright, you did nothing wrong!” Kukui rubbed his arms, causing Ash to worriedly glance over.

“Are you cold? You can go back-”

“Nah, I’ll accompany you instead.” Kukui slightly chuckled. “I appreciate the concern, but I’m the adult here. I should be the one-”

“I’m an adult too,” Ash shot back. Almost immediately, he furrowed his eyebrows, jolting back. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry.” He fidgeted with his hands, whispering, “Then again, I don’t want to grow up.”

Kukui skipped over that last part. “It’s ok, Ash.” Ash’s shoulders relaxed. “So… He pushed you away from dying?”

“...You could say that.”

Kukui opened his mouth but shut it with a click after a moment. He grimaced. He didn’t want to overstep his boundaries, especially at this time.

“What?” Ash snapped before gritting his teeth, toning his volume down even more. “I’m sorry I’m sorry. Go ahead. I’m sorry, I just… I’m not used to this.”

Eyebrows crinkling, Kukui pushed himself closer to Ash. “You could have died if Lucario didn’t push you away, right?”

“...Looking back at it, yeah.” Ash winced when Kukui jaw-dropped. “I’m not lying, ok?”

“I didn’t…”

Ash grimaced. “Ah. Sorry.” He glanced upwards, eyes blank. “I just… maybe, just _maybe_ , we both could have made it out.” Wringing the edge of his shirt, Ash bit his lip. “If I was just a little stronger. If I was just a _little bit better_. When will I ever be good enough?” 

Kukui pursed his lips, staring down at the sand. What could he even say? 

“But never mind what I feel-”

“Wait what?”

They stared at each other. 

“I just don’t want to seem annoying- oh Arceus, am I annoying you? Never mind, I don’t want to seem even more annoying, hehe!” Ash grinned, standing up with his hands on his hips. “Life is amazing, I have no reason to feel this way!”

“But there doesn’t need to _be_ a reason for you to feel emotions.”

Kukui watched Ash shift from foot to foot. “Oh. Don’t worry about it. I don’t want you to worry!”

“...Should I be worried?”

A bead of sweat dripped down Ash’s face. “I mean, like… no?”

Silence.

“Uh, you do know you can tell me anything, right?” Ash lightly kicked the sand. “It’s not a bother or anything like that if that’s what you’re worried about.” Ash froze.

Staring at Kukui’s expectant look, Ash stammered, “Uh I just- I mean- I… I guess I’ve just… been feeling a little down lately? I’m not exactly sure why?” Kukui raised an eyebrow. Ash held his hands out with a sweatdrop. “Look, I love life, I really do.” He gestured over the beach and twirled around with a large grin. “There are so many people and pokemon I wanna visit, places I wanna go, food I wanna eat, songs I wanna discover, conversations I wanna have! There’s so much I’m looking forward to...” Ash blankly stared out at the ocean.

“...Ash?”

Ash blinked, snapping out of his stupor. “Oh! Yeah, I love this place! I love this world! Life has so many possibilities!” He grinned. “My dream might come true in the future!”

Kukui smiled, standing up next to Ash. “I’m sure it will.” Ash doesn’t respond. His face flashed disappointment. Kukui tilted his head. “What’s wrong?”

“Sometimes… I just feel so... empty. Numb. Like, I personally wouldn’t care _what_ happens to me. Even though I’m supposed to.” Ash froze.

Kukui also froze. Weren’t they just talking about _goals_ ? And why doesn’t _Ash_ , the most optimistic and determined person he had ever met, think he won’t achieve- Wait, what did Ash just say?

“You feel what.”

Ash ran a hand through his hair, holding the other hand out with a nervous chuckle. “Oh never mind! I didn’t know why I said that, don’t worry about it!”

“You’re feeling emotionally burnt out?”

After grinning at Kukui, Ash turned towards Kukui’s house so Kukui couldn’t see his face. “I don’t think it’s that extreme!”

“But you feel drained-”

“No I don’t! Well, I do, as in I’m tired! Let’s go,” Ash exclaimed, walking forward.

“...If you say so,” Kukui softly said, eyebrows furrowed. 

Ash stopped. “I changed my mind! I’m feeling great!”

“You don’t have to prove-”

“I’m not gonna sleep anyways!”

Kukui sweatdropped when Ash covered a yawn. “Alright…? What do you want to talk-”

Pointing to the sky and turning around, Ash yelled, “I’m going to be a pokemon master! It’s my dream-” He cut himself off, whispering, “Oh sorry for cutting you off, I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s fine?”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m used to it,” Kukui said with a chuckle, thinking back to his classes. Ash only looked guilty.

“Well I’ll definitely try not to do it again.” They both fell silent, staring at each other. 

“So-” Ash and Kukui both started. 

Ash flinched, grimacing. 

Silently sighing, Kukui slowly reached forward and placed his hand on Ash’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, what were you going to say?” Ash blankly stared up at him. “...You’re going to be a pokemon master?”

“And I still haven’t won a league,” Ash automatically said. Kukui blinked, too stunned to do anything as Ash shrugged his hand off. “What am I really doing with my life? I’ve been battling for so long, yet I still haven’t accomplished anything useful? Am I ever going to improve? Does any of it matter?” Ash whispered, “I’m sorry I’m so worthless.”

“Whoa, having accomplishments and having worth are two completely different things!”

Ash blankly stared over the ocean, rocking back and forth on his heels. “I love pokemon battling so much, and I want to achieve my goal so much, but…”

“You’re having second thoughts?”

Tipping his head forward, Ash’s hair fell over his eyes. “The one thing I love the most, and I don’t even want to do it anymore? Am I losing my touch? I could have done so much more, for the world, for my pokemon, for everyone! But did I accomplish _anything_ of worth? Do I even deserve this life?” Kukui raised a hand towards Ash before dropping it, creasing his eyebrows. “I just, I gotta keep going, I can’t give up now, I need to continue battling, but... what am I doing? What _can_ I do? I’m so tired...”

They weren’t talking about pokemon battling anymore, were they?

“There’s no shame in taking a break, Ash.”

Ash bit out a laugh. “No, look, I just…” Ash bit his lower lip, rubbing his arms. “It’s weird to not do anything. I feel awkward taking a break.” He chuckled, murmuring to himself, “When hasn’t it been awkward? Even if I… needed a break, I’m not used to it. I’m not used to _any_ of this.” He placed a hand on his stomach, taking a sharp breath. 

“You have to focus on yourself for once, Ash,” Kukui murmured as well. “Take care of yourself instead of taking care of others.”

“Except I have!” Ash burst. “Ever since I started my journey, I’ve been focused on _myself_. I keep traveling, I keep doing what I want!”

Kukui tilted his head. “Why do you say that like it’s a bad thing?”

“...Because I missed out on so much. My friends. My family.” Ash’s tone was flat. “They all have their own lives that I’m not a part of, simply because I’m always traveling. I just know every time I make a friend, I leave them behind.” Kukui’s eyes widened in realization. “You see, I don’t get invited to any parties or weddings or anything, simply because I’m always…” Ash chuckled, flicking at his hair. “Off in the middle of nowhere.”

“But I’m sure they understand! You just seem like that sort of person, and I’m certain… Wait, have you talked to them about this?”

“...I’m such a bad friend. What am I doing?” Ash continued to rant. Did he even hear Kukui? “I have my pokemon, shouldn’t that be enough? Should I have embarked on this journey in the first place? I can’t turn back, but is this goal really worth it? Do I really have a purpose?” Ash rubbed his face, sighing. “I have so many friends, why do I still feel lonely? Wait, are we actually friends? I don’t know? Am I just dumb and overconfident and don’t deserve-”

“Ash.”

Ash jolted as if he forgot Kukui was there. “Oh! Uh… I’m sorry for being overdramatic.” Ash grinned, casually shrugging. “You shouldn’t have to bother with my problems after all.”

“...But I’m only listening, you’re going through a lot more actually living with this.”

“With ‘this’? What, the feeling of being a burden no matter what I do or where I am? I know it’s _nothing_ compared to people who _obviously_ have it worse than me.”

“You can’t just invalidate your own suffering because someone else had it ‘worse,’ Ash.”

“Oh, I’m suffering?” Ash’s wide eyes darted to the side as he chuckled. “I’m still useful, right? I mean, I understand why you want me to leave your home, but I promise this won’t happen again-”

“Wait. _What_.”

“I really promise this won’t happen-”

“No, what?”

“But I do promise-”

“Hold on for just a _second_ , Ash.”

Ash held his breath, breathing out a quick “sorry!” before falling silent.

Kukui rubbed at his temples, stopping when Ash’s face turned more guilty. “Alright.” Ash tilted his head, blinking when Kukui burst, “When did we say- Why do you think- _What_?”

Ash turned around. “Never mind, I’m tired now-” He froze. “Or am I not allowed back at your house?”

“Wait wait wait, do you _want_ to leave? As in leave my house?”

“I mean, if you want me to,” Ash said, shifting so Kukui could see his grin. 

“...Ash, no, I just… no!” Kukui put his hands on Ash’s shoulders, turning Ash to face him. “Why do you think I _want_ you to leave?” Ash was silent. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No of course not! I’m just like this.” Ash gave a small bitter laugh, bowing his head. “Thank you so much for having me.”

“You’re just- If you don’t want to leave, don’t leave. Please.”

“I don’t know, can I really make it?” Ash smiled up at Kukui. “Do you think I can continue staying here? Continue living here?”

Kukui tightened his grip, staring into Ash’s eyes. “All those times you put yourself into reckless situations… Are you…” Ash blankly stared back at him. Kukui gulped, discomfort on his face.

Ash smiled at Kukui as if he pitied him. “Suicidal?” Kukui winced. “I used to be worse, you know- Ah, you don’t, that’s right. Pretty much no one does.” Kukui raised an eyebrow when Ash shrugged, yawning. “It’s not important, after all.”

“...‘Not _important’_? Is that why you said you don’t want to grow up- As your, uh, teacher, I should know about these things!”

“Ok.” Silence.

“And you didn’t answer my question.”

Ash glanced at Kukui’s hands, subconsciously inching backward. “Which question?”

Kukui crossed his arms. “Don’t play dumb with me, Ash.” Ash flinched, and Kukui softened his voice. “Are you... suicidal?”

“...I don’t want to die? Hehe, nearly dying and dying isn’t fun.” Kukui’s eyes widened. Ash fell silent.

“Why do you sound like you have experience?”

“Well I mean, I do? Sort of? Not like _that_ , of course, but yeah.” Kukui continued to stare at Ash, who sweatdropped. “...Ahaha, well, this is awkward. Not you, of course, you’re not the one making this awkward, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Suicidal or not, you’ve still _died_ before?” Ash’s shrug answered Kukui. “Wh- You’re so happy and cheerful, how could I have seen this coming, what do I do-”

Ash took a sharp breath, eyes panicked. “I promise I wasn’t _trying_ to kill myself, it just… happened.” They stared at each other in silence. “Ok ok fine, I admit it, I sometimes do want to justify throwing myself off a cliff, but don’t worry, I’m _not_ suicidal!” A bead of sweat slid down Ash’s face. “Don’t overreact, please, I love life, I don’t actually want to die, I don’t know why I said that, I’m sorry.”

“Are you getting help?”

Ash flinched. “Well, no, BUT! I don’t need the help, I’m not actually lazy and living my life wrong.”

Kukui blinked. “...Sorry, bad wording. We’re going to get you help-”

“Wait it’s not that serious!” Ash wrung his hands. “I’ve dealt with this before.”

“That is _not_ reassuring, Ash.” Ash wanted to argue otherwise, but Kukui shook his head. “I don’t care what you say, this isn’t normal.”

“Yeah, ‘normal’ huh?” Ash fake-coughed, face blank. “I don’t need help. There are people who are actually suicidal.”

Kukui took a deep breath. “Just because other people are suicidal doesn’t mean you _shouldn’t_ get help. You don’t need to hit rock bottom to get help, you know?”

“There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“There doesn’t _need_ to be anything ‘wrong’ with you for you to get help, alright?” Kukui nudged Ash’s shoulder. “And what did I say about invalidating your suffering? Sure, hospitals are going to prioritize those people, but you still deserve the help and support!” Kukui’s tone grew serious. “No one judges you for going to the hospital when you get hurt, so why is this any different?” Ash glanced off. “You’re not weak for seeking treatment, ok? I know you’ve done the best that you could alone, but you don’t have to be alone in-”

“I’m not suffering. I just don’t want to exist.”

“...You actually want to die?”

“No-”

“Do you have a plan and date and way-”

“I _don’t_ want to die! I’m not putting myself through that ever again! I just _think_ of death a lot!” 

Kukui stiffened. “So you have suicidal thoughts.”

Ash’s face went pale. “Please don’t panic, please, it’s just how I cope, I don’t want you to worry, I’m not going to do it, I don’t understand why I have these thoughts, really!”

“...You’re telling the truth?”

“ _Yes_!”

“Are you sure?”

“...Yes?” Ash glanced off. “Am I sure? Am I just denying it to myself? Do I actually want to die?” A bead of sweat slid down Kukui’s face. “Look, if I have suicidal thoughts, then I must want to die, right? Why would my feelings be valid otherwise?” Kukui froze. “Or is it the other way around? I want to live, so these thoughts are simply lying? Fake? What if I’m just overreacting?” Ash’s lip trembled as if he was going to cry, but his eyes only glazed over. “I don’t want to seem ungrateful or ask for attention, I just… What if people react badly to this? Oh Arceus, am I just being a bother and manipulating-”

“Ash, I promise your feelings are valid, no matter what. And you’re not responsible for other people’s reactions, you’re responsible for your own health.” Kukui’s eyes were sad. “Yes, your thoughts can lie, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t real or impactful.” Kukui tilted his head, admitting, “I guess it’s not as black and white as everyone assumes?”

Ash continued as if he didn’t hear Kukui. “I’ve almost died so many times, when will it actually kill me? Am I getting too overconfident about cheating death? Does it matter if I put myself into those situations if it’s necessary and I have to be the hero? I know it matters, but does it _actually_ matter if I die? Does it?”

“Yes!” Kukui exclaimed, startling Ash.

“Do you all want me to die-”

“ _No_!”

“But think about how much better you would all be!” Ash chuckled. “I’m just _here_ ! I exist, but I don’t _mean_ anything, you know?”

Kukui shook his head. “Ash, I just, no! _Who_ gave you that idea? We’re going to get help-”

“I’m not a danger to anyone, I promise! Sure, I scare myself with how vividly I imagine dying-”

“Then that’s reason enough!” Ash gulped, looking everywhere but Kukui. “Just because you don’t think you’ll act on your feelings doesn’t mean you should continue to suffer. You deserve better than that!”

After a pause, Ash groaned, “I’d rather sleep it away. I’ve been battling myself for so long, but I don’t let anyone see it, you know? Even if I’m making progress over who knows what _this_ is, no one knows!” Ash laughed, running a hand through his hair. “That’s my fault. Of course it is.”

“Then let me tell you, I’m proud of every step you’re taking in the right direction.”

Ash tsked. “How do I know what the right direction is if I don’t even know what’s wrong with me?”

“I said this already, there’s nothing wrong with you, but you can be better-”

“Yeah, you’re right. I should be better.” 

“Don’t twist my words like that.” Ash creased his eyebrows. “You’re an amazing kid, Ash. You’re talented in battling, you’re kind, you’re determined!”

“And I still get these thoughts. I have no reason to-”

“Ahem.”

“But-”

“No.”

“Then what do these thoughts mean?” Kukui fell silent, and Ash flushed in embarrassment. “I’m not suicidal, but I… am? I know it’s not ‘normal,’ and I don’t want to die, but…” Ash took a deep breath. “You don’t want to know what goes through my mind.”

Kukui sat Ash down. “What if I do?” He sat in front of Ash. 

Ash scooted to Kukui’s side, watching Kukui as he turned around. He took a sharp breath. “Some days, I’m so happy. My life’s so good! It feels like I could battle anyone and come up on top!” Ash’s grin wavered, and Kukui pursed his lips. “And some days, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.” Kukui choked on his saliva. “There’s so much I want to do, I can’t be suicidal! Why do I keep thinking everyone’s going to leave me when I’m the one leaving them? Why am I making myself to be the victim? What if everyone hated me?” Kukui shook his head. “What if my friends weren’t actually my friends because I’m such a bad friend? What if everyone hated me and _wanted_ me dead-”

“I assure you we do not.”

“I _know_ , but my mind keeps telling me otherwise! I don’t want to die, but I’m just…” Ash ran his hands over his face. “It feels like I’m drowning. _Literally_. Hehe, I hate drowning.”

Kukui stared at Ash.

Ash awkwardly shrugged. “Yeah, that was… really bad. Sorry. I’m just… so _tired_.”

“No, you’re alright. Well, not like- you know what I mean.” 

Laughing, Ash stared up at the inky sky freckled with stars. “I know suicide is not the only way out, but I feel that way so badly, but I want to live so badly, but is any of this worth it?” He grinned, causing Kukui to gulp. “Of course it is! I know that! But…” Kukui raised an eyebrow. “What if the world _actually_ would be better off without me? What's the point of continuing if nothing I do matters?”

“No…”

Ash continued, “What if I’m no longer useful? Is there a reason anyone wants to keep me around? How else would I prove I’m worth living? Do I even deserve to continue-”

“You don’t have to prove your worth, you being alive is enough,” Kukui murmured, tracing lightning bolts in the sand.

After yawning, Ash said, “Look, if I die, the world doesn’t have to deal with me, and I don’t have to deal with all these overwhelming thoughts. It seems like a win-win situation where we all suffer less, but I _know_ it’s not true. But is it the best option in the end?” Ash peeked at Kukui, watching him shake his head. “I… Am I being a bother-”

“Don’t you _dare_ finish that sentence. Of course not!”

“Yeah, ok, I guess.” Ash hummed in affirmation. “It’s weird. I don’t want to hurt anyone, so why do I genuinely believe that if I loved you guys, I should die? I don’t want to seem selfish, but I… _WHY_ do I believe you all just see me as a burden? I mean, I know why, but _why_?” As Ash started to panic, Kukui followed suit. “It’s just so confusing!”

“Erm, can I help in any way?”

“I _don’t_ know?” Ash pursed his lips before plastering a grin on his face. “But I do know one thing. I’m sorry I’m letting you down.” He sighed, and Kukui furrowed his eyebrows. “I don’t want to be here, I just want it to stop, I just can’t- I don’t want to kill myself, I have no plans to kill myself, but I just… Do I have the determination to continue the battle?” Ash’s hair drooped over his eyes. 

Kukui bit his lip. “Of course, you have more willpower than anyone I know!”

“But is that really me, or is that another one of my titles I have to uphold?” Ash murmured.

“What?”

“If I’m struggling at such a _young_ age, what does the future hold for me? Can I even get to it?” Ash sighed deeply. “What else would I have to deal with? Is _surviving_ supposed to be this hard? Can I actually go on? I just... don’t want to grow up. Whether that means I’ll be stuck in time is a question for another day.”

“Do you mean-”

“And I don’t mean time travel, ironically.”

“Wha- I wasn’t talking about- What did you _go through_?”

Ash ignored Kukui’s question. “I’ve always wondered. Do I deserve all of it? What have I done to deserve all of it? Why does life hate me? Why is life so _unfair_?”

“...I mean this in the nicest way, but you _can't_ control everything about your life. Don’t throw your life away simply because you feel broken right now!”

Sighing, Ash shrunk onto himself. “Look, I know it’s not the only option, but can I continue trying? How do I make it stop? How do I live? How do I make it so I actually enjoy the things I’m supposed to enjoy? Do I want to continue this battle if I feel like there’s no end to it? Why should I continue if I don’t feel like I’m going anywhere? How do other people do it? Why should I continue living if I don’t feel like I’m actually alive?” Ash blinked, eyes wide. Kukui furrowed his eyebrows. “What did I just _say_?! I don’t want to die, I don’t, I know I need to hold on, but...”

“But you have these thoughts?” Kukui asked, tilting his head.

Blankly staring at Kukui, Ash continued, “But I actually don’t want to exist. I know I might be overdramatic, but I never wanted to exist like this.” He randomly gestured outwards. “But I don’t want to die. Definitely not. I don’t want anyone to experience what I do. I just… I don’t know, I just don’t want to feel this way anymore.” He placed a hand over his chest. “I wish to die, but I _really_ don’t want to- oh Arceus, what if I die because I thought about death?” Kukui blinked. “Is that why I’ve almost died so many times? What if I die for real because I talked about this? What if I’m being disrespectful to those who actually died from suicide by pretending to be suicidal? Why am I so tired of being _myself_?” Ash buried his face in his hands with a heavy sigh. “I just want it all to stop…”

“Never give up until the end. Isn’t that what you always say? No matter how hopeless the situation, things will get better.” Kukui reached an arm out to Ash. “You’ve always made it through. And how will you know if life will get better or not if you aren’t around to experience it? None of this is permanent, after all.”

“I know that better than anyone.” Ash turned away. “Look, I can handle it. I know there are better ways to live, and I know I have to continue battling. My thoughts are just being weird these days.”

“That’s valid. You can’t control your thoughts, but… you can treat it? Like, there are always reasons for someone to live!” Kukui opened his mouth before pursing his lips. He wanted to say more, but he just didn’t know how to word it. “Do you… want a hug?”

Ash glanced back at him. He leaned against Kukui’s shoulder. Kukui silently reached over and gave Ash a side hug.

He guessed that him being there for Ash was enough for now.

They stared up at the sky in silence.

“...Thank you for listening. I’m sorry for dumping this on you, and I’m sorry for the trouble.” Ash stood up, brushing the sand off his pants and yawning. 

“No no, I’m glad you did.” Kukui stood up as well. “I’m glad you trust me enough to tell all this.” He blinked when Ash rubbed his arm. “There’s more, isn’t there?”

“Well, you’re not responsible for it.” Before Kukui could say anything, Ash’s eyes turned determined. “But never mind that! If I can be sad, I can be happy!” He grinned. “I’ll just tough it out!”

“It’s ok to show your emotions, Ash.”

Ash nodded, gesturing over the beach and sky. “I just have to continue battling and look forward to those happy experiences! Life can be overwhelming, but it can also be beautiful!”

Kukui silently sighed before smiling. “Then I accept it.” Ash grinned at him, twirling once before walking back towards their home. “Hey, Ash?” Ash tilted his head when Kukui walked next to him. “Do you... think you have a mental illness that makes these thoughts worse? Contribute to your thoughts? I can better help you if I knew.”

“There’s nothing wrong- ah…” Ash’s eyes showed panic.

“Yeah, having a mental illness doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. You’re not crazy, and your mental illness doesn’t define you, alright?”

“Sorry!” Kukui only stared at Ash. “I don’t think so, I mean, you need a professional for that!”

“It’s one thing to self diagnose, but it’s another to not try to understand what the source of your problems is.” Kukui nudged Ash’s shoulder. “Just because you don’t have an official diagnosis doesn’t mean you should try to ignore it. And please don’t think you have to prove your mental illness to me! I just want to get to know you better.”

“...I’m dealing fine on my own.”

“That doesn’t necessarily mean you _are_ fine!” Kukui said. “From what little I learned today, I know you went through a lot more than you let on!”

“But what if I’m just faking it-”

“Why would you _want_ to suffer? If you’re impacted by it, you’re not faking it.” Kukui stared at Ash. “And after everything you’ve told me, I’m sure you’re not.”

“...If I’m not faking it, then how do I recover? This is all I’ve known, who am I other than… Am I really my own person? Who was I before all of this? Who will I become afterward?” Ash nervously chuckled as he tried to cover a yawn. “I’m scared. I’ve been dealing with all this for so long, I do want to feel better, but I also… don’t want to find out what happens?”

“You deserve the help-”

“So why am I hesitant? I’ve heard so many good things about recovery, and you would think I’ve gotten used to changes and going into the unknown by now,” Ash said with a bitter laugh. “There’s no logical reason I shouldn’t…” He hugged himself, eyebrows furrowed. “Had I gotten used to the pain as well? I just, I’ve gotten so familiar with this, do I really want to leave it behind? Will I miss it? Will I regret it?” Ash blankly stared off into the distance when Kukui shook his head. 

“I’m sure you won’t.”

“Can I face my fears and reality without breaking down? Can I take on the responsibility of being who I am? Can I even go back and ‘be myself’? What if I never get cured?” Kukui creased his eyebrows. “Oh Arceus, I’m making this so awkward. It just seems so impossible! I wanna be strong for everyone!”

Kukui hugged Ash once more. “You already have. I’m not saying you have to be ‘cured,’ I just want you to take better care of yourself. You’re not just your thoughts, you’re so much more than that! You just haven’t seen it yet. And I just want you to know that it’s alright to be vulnerable! You’re still yourself, mental illness or not!”

“Well I don’t know who I am other than whatever I’m going through!” Ash snapped. “I’m sorry. I know I need to do more. _Be_ more. I’m never going to _be enough_.”

“...Fear of the future shouldn’t stop you from being happy though! If you’re unhappy with what you’re going through, do you think you’ll actually miss it?”

Ash opened his mouth to respond, being interrupted by a yawn. 

Kukui stifled a chuckle. “Besides, I know it’s scary, but you can redefine who you are! You’ll get to replace your pain with a happier and better version of your life!”

“...What if I disappoint everyone by not recovering in a period of time?”

“You won’t, because there’s no set time for recovery.” Kukui reassuringly ran a hand through Ash’s silky hair. “And no matter how little the step towards recovery you take, you’re still getting better! And I’m so proud of you for that!”

Ash glanced off. “I know, I know, but...” He rubbed his arms. “Ugh, I’m sorry I’m being such a downer. You shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

“Hey hey, you’ve done nothing wrong!” Kukui rested a hand on Ash’s hair. “And I’m not dealing with this, you are. I’m just listening and supporting you through it.” He lightly patted Ash’s head. “So you don’t have to carry this burden alone.” Kukui pursed his lips. “I can’t imagine what it’s like for you or how hard it must be, but I promise you’re not alone in this.”

“But what if I hurt you?”

“You won’t. And I’m not going to leave you, I promise.” Kukui extended his pinkie. “I’ll take care of myself so you don’t have to worry about that. In return, you-”

Ash wrapped his pinkie around Kukui's. “I promise. I’ll definitely try my best.”

“And that’s enough for me!”

“...But still, what if I don’t recover? What if I fail?”

“What if you succeed?” Ash blinked. Kukui tucked Ash’s head under his chin. “And even if you fail, it’s alright. You just have to get up on your feet and keep going. It’s going to take effort to recover, but I promise you it’ll be worth it.” Kukui rubbed Ash’s shoulder, smiling. “And I _promise_ I’m here for you. And knowing you, I’m not alone in caring about you!”

Ash’s lip trembled as he bit out, “I’m still scared.”

“I can’t convince you to not be afraid, and honestly? What you’re feeling is valid. It’s ok to be scared; it doesn’t make you a bad person!” Kukui gestured over the beach. “Just don’t sacrifice your opportunity to get better because of your fear! You didn’t battle this hard to let something like fear ruin your future!” 

After a pause, Ash sighed. “I gotta confront my fears, huh?”

“You might not be ‘ready’ for recovery, you just gotta take the leap!” Kukui booped Ash’s nose, chuckling when Ash yawned. “I want you to be happier, and I’m sure deep down, you feel the same!” Ash meekly nodded. “So try to give yourself the time and opportunity to get better, okie? It’ll be so much better than what your thoughts are saying.” Ash stifled a laugh when Kukui gave him a thumbs up. “You’re going to get through this!”

Leaning closer to Kukui, Ash sported a soft smile. 

The stars went to sleep as the sky brightened with anticipation.

“Oh, one more thing,” Kukui suddenly started. Ash drowsily glanced up at him as he grinned. “If I have a wedding, you’re definitely going to be invited. I’ll make sure you’re the first to know, actually!” Ash chuckled, nodding. “And who knows, maybe there’s even something _else_ for you to look forward to!” Kukui said with a wink. 

Even the sun peeking over the beach couldn’t compete with Ash’s glowing grin.

**Author's Note:**

> No, I don’t know you. I don’t know what you are going through. I don’t know how the future is going to be. But I’m proud of you for being there for yourself at your worst. I’m proud you’re strong enough to make it this far. I’m proud of you for trying your best. So congratulate yourself for being alive! The fact that you’re still alive means you’re stronger than you think!
> 
> I’m not going to promise everyone will be alright, but I will hold onto the hope that you will. I hope your suffering eases soon. I hope you’ll get to a point in your life where you’re happy to be alive. I hope you’ll be good enough for yourself. I hope you put in enough effort to live a life worth living for. I hope you realize you’re worth it and you deserve to stay alive. 
> 
> There’s always going to be bad days. Days where you feel overwhelmed with negativity. Days where you feel like you endure life instead of live it. You may wonder if you’ll make it through, but I believe you will! It’s not going to be easy, but you’re strong enough to cope! And please get the help and support you deserve! You’re never alone, so never give up! And when this is all over, hopefully you’ll still be here!
> 
> Stay safe, and continue battling! <3


End file.
